Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Life Is About Challenges...Welcome Those Challenges (Part 2)

Was reading the comments from dear old school friends school and friends that I made through this blog world....and I realise that I have to update this post...I think I come to a point in life where money is not so much an issue any more (no...I haven't got that heaps of money, hidden underneath my bantal or stashed in local banks...), am happy the way I am, even though once in a while mata tu dok brouse jugak the LV's and Loubutin and Zanotti online (like I'll wear them lah!)...but there is so much more to life than all this material being!!

At my age that is coming closer by the day to sunset (tapi hati rasa macam 17, kira ok lah)...I have to deal with more "real" issues...looking at my nephew and niece yang mak bapak bercerai berai, them left terkontang-kanting to deal with their own life because their parents have their own so-called mega issues to deal with, my BIL is ging to nikah for the third time next week, my SIL yang sakit abdominal TB (yeap, the CA125 turned out to be negative somehow), but she doen't have a child of her own...she onced jokingly said to me...let it be my turn to beranak this year...my younger sister who hasn't got any financial challenges at all, but forever complaining about the politics in her office (woi! amongst doctors also got this ah!?), my colleague in the office who has been trying very hard to conceive...of course moi's Yusof yang tersangatlah liat nak belajar, moi's books yang berterabur in the family living upstairs, moi's car yang tak berservice for the past 6 months...etc...

And of course, what we went through in 1999....that time hubby's firm was on top of the world, there were no problems whatsoever with his practice...so tuhan tu maha kaya.....he gave us this ujian...... yeap, Kauthar had a heart like it had been shot many times, with a few valves not closing and the muscle of the left chamber of her heart thickened, and also a right lung that had collapsed (hypoplastic)...the first day Kauthar in the NICU, the doctors refused to tell me what was wrong with her...I knew about her condition 2 days later...I just told the doctors that I knew that something was wrong, so they could explain to me in plain language, which they did...when I asked her chances of survival, they kept mum. I am one person, come what may, I had to know the truth, good or bad, as I had to prepare myself....

The second day, the nurse forced me to express my milk, I said mana boleh, my baby couldn't even suckle....her oxygen will plunge drastically...I was asked to use the hospital grade pump, which to my surprise was very very good....at the end of the whole ordeal I managed to express close to 45 bottles for Kauthar, one lesson learnt...you can breastfeed your baby if you really want!! (so, Ibraheem and Umar were all on my milk!).

On the third day, I was asked to discharge myself from the hospital...so I had to travel daily climb up and down the stairs of my apartment (then we were living in an apartment), fourth floor for my visits to the hospital. Of course my mom and MIL marah, but I thought I never knew how much time left for me to spend with Kauthar, and the least that I could do was to give her my milk...and spend the day time sitting next to her in the NICU...I imagined the NICU like a dark and gloomy cave (yes, it was dark and gloomy), very quiet and one can only hear the beeping of the monitor which were all connected to the nurses' island at the entrance, and there were somewhat like a 3 stage level/depth/layer of the NICU, The closest to the entrance were where the babies recuperating and awaiting time to be discharged placed, the middle part were where the babies who are in incubators and the 3rd layer, where Kauthar was placed, a very cold place, the only lights were from her "cradle" with complete monitors and warmer. Next to her was this baby boy (now aruah) who came out at 24 weeks gestation, covered in a cling film, a baby belonging to childless couple after 16 years....and they were poor! I sedekah diapers to aruah, that all I could contribute...

My routine were to come in (only parents were allowed in NICU), wash my hands and express milk, baca surah Al-Waqiah, dozed off, express milk, have lunch with the other moms who bothered to visit their child there, exchange stories, continue baca surah Al-Waqiah, so on and so forth until hubby fetches me in the evening.....somehow I tak bentan pulak...alhamdulillah...so my belive o all those pantang larang orang bersalin, goes down the drain...I think as long as you take good care of yourself and take good food, you'll be fine..think all those meroyan is your state of mind, you have to get hold of yourself and grapple with wahtever that you are facing with with strength!
One week passed, Kauthar had "an attack", her hypoplastic lung gave way to her weak heart....and the 70% oxygen didn't help! Kauthar had to be intubated, put to a coma/sleep state so that she doesn't resist and pull out those tubes that were going through her, she was not taking my milk anymore, she couldn't, and she was fed with nutritient through iv...but I kept pumping my milk....She was also wheeled to a room, deeper in the NICU, seclusion, and there were only 3 babies at that time in that room...all were critical but stable...only one survived at the end...So, now that Kauthar is asleep, no more Kauthar who would gaze at me as if asking for help, no more cries.....all I could think of that time was to pray to Him...if she was going, take her fast, if she was going to heal, to do it quickly....her medication that went through her tiny veins wer like flat SanPeng...they came in tubes in a stack, how many ml over how many minutes...

To me, my life spent in the NICU was a re-orientation of my past life...there were so many heart ache there, nope not the condition of the babies, but of the parents.....there were babies who were purposely left there as their parents couldn't afford to pay the bill or simply didn't have the means to raise those babies......sebab tulah I tak paham why orang buang nak!!???? Mine...I wish I could swap me with Kauthar...

On the third week, one specialist doctor who was taking care of Kauthar asked if we wanted to shut down, I almost screamed at him....but no, I told him, it's not your job, it's kerja tuhan....I remember one Wednesday, Prof Boo (a brilliant specialist and head of NICU there) asked me to bring Khadijah and Yusof to see their little sister, an exception for us....we took the elder siblings to see their ailing baby sister.....2 days before Kauthar passed away, she actually opened her eyes...by then she already had bed sores on her back and the only means of food and medication to enter her body was through her pusat (belly-button), all the veins were bunked....too much for her! I thought she was going to recover!

It was 7 am on Thursday 09091999, the phone in my room rang, I knew something was not right, I could just felt it ...the lady voice on the other end said ..Kak, please come to NICU now, Kauthar isn't so good....I reached her bed...the doctors were resuscitating her, her chest was already blue with thumb marks...I told the doctors to stop and let her go, the monitor was already showing a flat line.......innalillah, dari Allah dia datang, kepada Allah dia kembali...I felt like a burden lifted from me........actually the night before I saw a glimps of her in the sky, was not sure whether I was dreaming or whether it was real..

That night I dreamt of her playing happily with other children in a garden...and am happy and redha...We went to see her doctors the day after her funeral, to thank them and pay the hospital bill. It ws only then that they told us that babise like Kauthar hardly surpass one week, the fact that she was a fighter and made the second week, they were euphoric, but then had she lived, the congenital effect of the thickened muscle of the heart was not treatable, no medication or no surgical intervention would help her...

When I look back, what we went through with Kauthar was just a path we had to go through for us to learn all the other lesson and hardship of other people that's usually more grave and severe from your own! And Allah memberi rezeki dari berbagai sumber and menduga dengan berbagai-bagai cara......

20 comments:

Kak Ezza@makcik Blogger said...

KG
masa akak baca ni..akak baru je habis buat entry buat arwah anak akak..meleleh leleh air mata ni ...
Pelbagai ujian dah di beri pada kami,tapi bab yang hilang anak ni yang paling pedih...tapi kita kena redha..semua ini pinjaman saja..Allah lebih menyanyangi nya...
Take care ok!

Dad of 4+1 said...

This certainly has brought back memories...It was the longest one month of our lives......Yes, she was a fighter! Tears would still well when I listen to "Angel of Mine" and "The Prayer" - songs that I would listen to en route to NICU,HUKM!

t o r t s said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Aida said...

Yani,

I've been reading a blog of a baby in Glasgow who lasted 8 months, but sadly he has passed away last week.

I know not of losing a child but I know how it felt when u have one in NICU and had to fight for his life. Everyday without fail I'd be sitting at the NICU just to be sure he's ok. Even now, he coming to his 2nd birthday, we're still constant visitors to the peads unit for his follow ups. But when he was in NICU, the worst is to see those needles and tubes in him. He's still got "scars" from the needles and tape used to secure those tubes to him.

But no matter what, it just felt good to have that little person in your life kan???? Even it was for a short while. This I am sure.

At HKL on average there are 2 babies who are left by their parents, or at least mother. I know of so many ppl who are trying very very hard to conceive and then their are ppl who can just leave them.

Dear, I'll be sure to place an order for some desserts soon. ehhehehe (just read ur decision to do it full time). Congrats to you.

MrsNordin said...

Yani,

This is so sad! I'm crying buckets here!!

You've told me this story in bits and pieces before, but not in great detail like this. Now, after reading this, I know how you feel... and I'm sorry.

I don't know what else to say..

Naz said...

Yani,
Inilah kali pertama I dapat tahu mengenai Kauthar. Satu dugaan yang sangat berat ... one that I can't even begin to imagine.
AlFatihah untuk arwah.
Keep strong, my dear Yani.
XOX

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Kak Yani,

I envy Kauthar for leaving this world not tainted by sins. Allah memang sayang pada dia. Allah loves you too, that is why He chooses to test you this way. Allah dah janji bahawa Dia tak akan uji hamba-Nya dengan ujian yang melampau sehingga tak tertanggung dek kita.

Kauthar was a fighter because she was fed with your breastmilk. Your spirit, love and faith are the main elements in your milk for her.

She was lucky to be loved so dearly in her brief life and I am sure she will be loved by Allah in His Firdaus..Amin

t o r t s said...

Yani, Kauthar wud be making doa and waiting for you @ pintu syurga.

Kitchen Guardian said...

Aida, Mrs N, Naz, Ida, Torts,

I didnt mean for you all to shed tears reading this post...waht I wanted to was to share my experience and remind ourselves that no matter how we are challenged, tested by Him, there are people who are in situations worse than we are in, and yes tuhan tu tak akan uji kita uijian yang kita tak boleh tanggung pikui...and i believe always do good deeds no matter to who or when, th eganjaran will come!

Kitchen Guardian said...

Aida,

What happened to your child?

Aida said...

Yani,

my son was 4 weeks premature. Due to his "normal" size (2.95kg at birth) his lungs were not able to cope . so he had problems with his breathing. Anak org lain born the same time but smaller had no complications. He was in NICU Ampanf Puteri and HKL for a total of 10 days.

3 days at AP cost us over 19K. The transfer to HKL was a tough decision cos takut sgt the care is different that private hospitals. I was soooooo wrong. The nurses at HKL were as good if not better (considering at NICU they are 1:4 where ideally it should be 1:1) than private hospitals. And there too I saw babies that could fit in the palms of ur hands. Everytime I look at my son or visit the peads who took care of my son, I thank God that those ppl are dedicated to their work.

Was told that not 3 years before my son's birth, if he was born premature with hyaline membrane disease would have to be in a incubator until his lungs were mature enough to breath on his own. But recently, with new technology, they are able to inject surfacttant into the baby's lungs (like it was supposed to be in your tummy) and recover fast but H3LL it was expensive in private medical care.

So u better take care of yourself. Do not over exert yourself cos we moved house the day before my son was born.... the exertion was said to be the cause I went into early labor.

Take care dear.

Aida said...

Yani,

Also i want to add, we were advised that breast feeding him fully was best to gain antobodies against lunch and heart infections, tue yg sebab until today (he'll be 2 in June) I am still breast feeding.

For my eldest, I last only 4 months. So u do not actually know what u are capable of until u really try kan??

LifeBloom said...

Yani - as I have said many times to you - you are a wonderful lady -to have borne so much but yet coming up roses and making everyone else feeling better.

Allah SWT loves Kauthar very much -He sent her to both of you to teach you of things you would not be able to know and fathom otherwise.

Take care dearie - jaundice session coming up in April - insyaAllah.

Kitchen Guardian said...

Aida,

During Kauthar I checked wt Dr Ashar but delivered wt hubby's cousin in HUKM, yes the NICU was excellent, Kauthar was taken cared of by Dr Yong, Prof Zul and Prof Boo overseeing..

Kitchen Guardian said...

Life Bloom,

Cant wait...esp Haq for the gulai lemak pucuk kayu and stewwing hippo!!

Aida said...

Yani,

after reading through my earlier comments kan baru perasan my typos and killer grammar.... gosh I hope none of those are found in my letters today hahahhaa...

lunch was supposed to read lung. I must have been very hungry and thinking of ur desserts.

Desert Rose said...

Kak Yani,

I baru sempat baca this post after I buat my entry on my daughter's 2nd birthday, today. Now, my gratefulness towards what Allah has given me, berganda-ganda.

U r so strong and Allah tak kan uji hambanya dgn ujian yg kita tak mampu, and bila kita diuji maksudnya Dia sayang sangat kat kita kan.

At least akak ad seorang bidadari syurga yg tunggu akak di sana nanti, and thinking of that kita tak kan takut lagi to this thing called DEATH kan....

Madam Tai Tai said...

Yani, yes..life IS about challenges. Sometimes it is extremely difficult to welcome them into our lives, but GOD has a way to ease them in at the end.

I'm very sorry over the loss of your baby. I can't say I know how it truly feels, but as a mum I know it'll be a emotional rollercoaster one for me if that happens.

Lyana Mauseth said...

kak yani,

sebak betul saya baca cerita u...u must be a strong person...i pray that Allah won't test me this way...i don't think i am able to face it...ank u sorang dah masuk syurga kak yani....

Raycillient said...

I'm so glad i found this blog today and thank you for sharing this story and i cant help but feel for you. Allah loves Kauthar more and so she is in a happy place now.

Related Posts with Thumbnails